Random Blabber...

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times; it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness; it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity; it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness; it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair; we had everything before us, we had nothing before us; we were all going directly to Heaven, we were all going the other way." –Charles Dickens

This is exactly how my two years in Delhi have gone by. Lifes speeding by so fast off late that it feels like I have lost all control over my own life. On the other hand it feels stuck in a rewind & repeat mode day after day.

I used to be one of those people who found the concept of turning 30 quite undreadful. And now as I’m inching closer to this milestone I’m kinda freaked out. It’s more like ‘Are you kidding me, I’m 30 already, but I just started, has it been that many years?

It’s a crazy overworked chain of thoughts in my head. Every day when I head to work, its like an obligation I want to get over with.

I like my organization, I m ok with my work, but it just doesn’t give me a kick. It doesn’t even pay me well so that I can cut all this crap & spare u as well.

In a recent office workshop, we discussed at length about a simple word ‘TALENT’ Skills, knowledge; it all can be acquired, but not talent. It’s either there or not.

Now I still haven’t got it figured out. I have thought long & hard over it. But nada,I cud not find ne talent in myself which was so great that I cud make a career out of it. My singing hurts my own ears, my dancing skills can only be made public under the dim disc lights, don’t remember playing ne sport so excelling at it is out of ques, don’t make the cut for being a participant on any reality shows being aired , what else, u name it, I haven’t got it.

It’s a bad deal. I’m telling u God, that it is a really bad deal. What do u say about renegotiating??

High on Mush...

Its been more than a while since I last blogged.The thing is I have too much rattling on in my brain that I want to write about. But somehow it just doesn’t happen. Being in a sales job, with so much going on around you, no privacy & quiet time at home, no weekend breaks just takes it a notch higher.
Anyway now that I’m done with my cribbing (which BTW instantly makes you feel so much better) lets get on with the post.
Its about a movie that I saw last nite ‘Hes just not that into you’ (pls save ur ‘what?????? u saw it like now..its been quite sum time dat it came nd faded away…)
Bottom line I saw it finally and liked it. It wasn’t great or nethng.But it tugged at my heart sumwhere.Given the fact that I’m a sucker for emotional chick flicks helps.
There were many instances in the movie which were straight out of real life relationships. Each story depicted in its own way the things we go through in a relationship. While I was cursing Gigi all the while for being so pathetic & desperate to get into a relationship, my heart went out to her wen she was turned down by Alex. The scene where Janine is trying to get the truth out of her husband about him starting smoking again, but in turn is faced with his confession of cheating on her was a great revelation of a certain psyche of woman. She was furious with him no doubt but still wanted to get the truth out about the cigarettes. She still wanted to be with him & tried to make it work. But the moment she found the cigarettes in his pocket & realized he was lying she broke down. The fact that he was lying to her was more unbearable to her than his confession of cheating. And pat came the divorce.
My fav was Beth & Neil’s story.May be bcos Jennifer Aniston was playing Beth ( I have this weird I don’t like Jennifer/I like Jennifer dilemma)
Theirs was a true love story which made me cry twice. They were truly in love but wanted diff things out of it. She wanted marriage & he didn’t. No commitment phobia, he just didn’t believe in marriage. Eventually they realize that though they mite want diff things they just cant live without each other. And just like all fairy tale romances everything falls in place for them.
Crux of the story theres nothing like the feeling of being truly in love. At times it works out, other times it leaves you scarred. It shows you the highest of the highs & the lowest of the lows. Till the time both partners are truly committed to each other in every possible way it’s the most beautiful experience of life. If you have found someone whom you can trust, who understands you, who makes you feel secure & cared for & above all loves you like crazy & has the potential of loving you like this all through life, don’t ever sabotage it. Just seal the deal & start a beautiful honest journey which cumplts your life in all totality..

Time Machine-Any Inventors????

Well, it was a simple visit to my regular parlour, that prompted my dormant state of mind on a certain topic become an active volcanic eruption.
Now I didn’t bargain for dat coming my way. The parlour going process includes just dealing vth a hell lot of pain during certain procedures being performed on your body, or merrily putting up your feet nd getting pampered. No thought provoking activity is ever expected to happen dere.
So dere I was cringing thru the procedures being performed on me,nd dere she was sulking in the corner. Now as courtesy sake (from now on don’t expect ne courtesies from me,al rite.I learnt my lesson,nd u cnt fool me nw) I asked her if sumthng was wrong. And she needed just dat bit of pushing,nd it all came out. It turned out dat the rosy dreams of a happily ever after were proving to be not dat rosy. She got married 6 months back to a guy of her choice & was realizing every day that this was not exactly what she had in mind. The love was still very much dere,no problems on the guy front either, but what came along vth being married was stuff which was disappointing & disillusionary.
Enter mua,a 26 year old female, body clock ticking away vth every passing day. A hybrid of modern-conservative upbringing tells me that I shud have been married by now, settled down into matrimony for a few years & further few years down the line have had children. That is all this before or just when I turn 30.
Now I’m in no hurry to do all of this. But 26 going on 27 doesn’t leave me vth much choice. Trust me I’m all for the institution of marriage. I always had a fairytale fantasy of my own. Falling in love, finding my prince charming,nd a happily ever after ending . Its the things attached vth being married and the afterlife that’s scaring the hell out of me. Its like the walls are closing in on me.
Life in the new house, when to get up, what all to do, how to do it their way, what to wear, its like a blurr.Its a huge lifestyle change. Almost like unlearning what you have made a habit of all these years. And if the thought itself is so taxing, living it would require nerves of steel. Its doable, everyone does it, but I have always been a free soul. I need freedom of thought & action, once dats in place,I’m like ur friendly puppy dog. Wagging my tail, happiest to see my own people around, fiercely protective & loyal. But bind me down vth restrictions & what u get is a stifled, grumpy daughter in law. To top it all kids in another 2-3 years. That’s like the beginning of another chp of life.
And I just don’t think I’m ready for any of it. I have so much more to do before I don the nappy changing,poop cleaning hat. After marriage & especially after having kids a womans life does a 360 degree turn. The guys life remains almost pretty much the same, but it’s the woman who has to start life in a completely diff way.
This blog is not an entry in a crib competition; it’s actually an account of my inner turmoil & apprehension. Its like I want a time machine & I want to be 21 again. I want few more years to myself before I am ready for such a drastic change in life. I want few more years before i have to play the demure,docile bahu.I want few more years before I’m spotted being bullied by my kiddo..

brainy perspective

Hi guys its me, Rekha’s mind. Well don’t react like that, in a day & age when everyone’s blogging, I too have a right to blog. And rather I have to use this forum to express my woes & tell the world my story of sheer abuse.
I was born on the fateful day of 13th dec’1982. I should have understood then only that being born on the 13th can never be a good sign. But well, well the high & mighty Rekha would never ever have me believe that. Would she? Since she was born that day, how in the world can the date 13th not be lucky. It better be.
And with a hiccup in the beginning only, my journey started. Thanks to me she was a bright kid. We trotted along merrily in school In fact to be honest she was quite nice to me in those days. She used to worry me out even then, but such occasions used to be rare. She was a regular kid back then. She had a blast all through her school life, utilized me for a lot of naughty stuff, I even taught her how to pull the being teachers pet trick while still having fun , and how can we both forget the terror dat her group used to be to seniors in school especially guys. I can so go on & on but dats one downside of having a brain like me. Once my thoughts are being put to pen, theres just no stopping me. Now don’t give me dat sarcastic cum amusing smile on dat one. At least I’m honest enuf to admit it. I personally believe she could have done better in life, if she had actually exploited my full potential, but we are dealing vth the majestic Rekha here. One fine day she just decided that ‘this is it’. No more studies. And dat was dat. She didn’t even let me voice my thoughts let alone pay attention to them.
And then came college. The kid was alrite even then. The occasional wear & tear she caused me over silly things was manageable. She used to have stuff under control always. She used to manage studies, friends, parties, more parties.So I was happy being a girlie brain, enjoying her growing up days with her. Just applying myself to a lil bit of studies,ph conversations,decisions on what to wear& vth a juggling of these things my life was as chilled out as I cud have imagined.
The trouble in my paradise came when she finished college & started working. She made me go thru hell during dat phase & pretty much after it as well. Every day I was made to feel hopeless, confused, anxious & wat not. She wud think me out trying to figure out how can she get a job dat she really wanted rather dan what she already had. Then the parameters of what she wanted kept on changing with years. Given dat she was really ambitious but the struggle she put me thru for 4 years is unforgivable. All she did in those 4 years was make me worry about her career to no end. As an afterthought dat worry was far better dan wat followed later on.
She fell in love. And from dat day I knew dat d dream life I had for myself was over. I went thru all the troubled emotions ever known to mankind bcos of this action of hers. I was battered nd bruised by the time it ended. But I wudnt deny dat sumthng inside me went out for her as well wen she was left all by herself. The poor overemotional, stupid kid never cud control her overflow of emotions. She conditioned me to think in a certain way, which proved too painful for her. Had she bred me like most of her peers she wudn’t have given herself such a hard time. I used to tell her to be a lil easygoing vth her emotions. But she cud never manage dat.
Anyway god bless dat guy who came in her life during this time period. He took off quite a chunk of my burden. He dealt vth her in his own way & the pressure on me subsided a lil bit, sorry a lot. On second thoughts even dat guys brain was about to get the time of his life. But this is about me, so lets just stick to dat. I thought dat my life was gonna get sorted out as the crazy woman was being taken care of. Little did I know that things were about to get more complicated than ever. She shifted base to Delhi & man did she lose it day by day after shifting here. So there I was spinning, screaming,ready to shoot myself bcos of this womans excessive thinking. And dere she was abusing me day nd night. I had told her all along dat the way shes conditioning me is outdated now, things dnt work dat way nelonger.But no,no,madam had to be moralistic,proper in dealing with people,speaking the truth & so on & so forth. So its not exactly my fault if she didn’t let lose in the beginning itself. She chose this path herself.
But as I said its about me. So we will leave her out of dis.I know now dat wat goes around definitely comes bak around. That is the only logical explanation of my plight in this lifetime. In my last life I must have been a lazy, good for nothing kind of a mind. So in this lifetime I’m being punished by being made a crazy, obsessive womans brain. I’m probably overworked for the cumng 10 future lives. And you know what I have no desire to be reborn now. This woman has made me think about such bizarre stuff as well, that I have lost my zeal in life. Call me brain dead if you will.
Well it felt gud to share my thoughts with you all. She never even listened to me, at least you people cared enuf to read. Hope you will be nicer to your brains. They too deserve to lead a normal life.

*P.S.-I’m really sorry for the length of this blog.Its my first one & there wont be a next one so I have made d best out of it. And as I confessed beforehand dat once I strt its hard fr me to stop J

Quirky,moody,not so bitchy me!

Restless! May be that’s how I can describe my state right now. Being a Sagittarian I’m quite familiar with this feeling. It creeps in every once in a while, nestles for sometime, slowly starts evaporating only to resurface at its own sweet time.
I can’t exactly pinpoint the source of it or rather sources of it. But if I know that there are sources behind it and not a source then may be I do know the reason for it.
When you are a kid you have it all figured out as to how your lifes going to be. You leave the making it happen bit to adulthood. And when you find yourself in your late twenties and you are nowhere close to the fixing part, something seems to bother you every once in a while.
Not that you are not happy with your current state of life, may be you are, but the restlessness crawls in every now & then.
So maybe that’s what it is. May be this time too it will go away. But it has to return, for it never really left you in the first place..

Philosophical Musings....

Intricate Human emotions!! How do we go from being simply ecstatic to downright disillusioned in a matter of few mins /hrs & vice versa. Now I have always admired the human mind. Its the most powerful thing humans have been bestowed with. And the most destructive as well. Years of conditioning empowers it with a force which is unbelievably hard if not impossible to reckon with. If you develop the rare ability to detach yourself from your mind & become an observer rather than the thinker, the experience would astound you. You would see yourself being a slave to this monster whose dictates have no rationale. There are always two voices playing in your head. Ever noticed or paid attention to that little voice which is trying so hard to make itself heard. The other voice in most cases has or is on the verge of killing that small little voice. That small little voice is the real you. Its not to say that the other voice is someone else. That also is you, but its more of that conditioned mind which speaks for itself because it doesn’t need you any longer. You have fed it for years with a certain set of perspectives, thought patterns; behavior patterns, that now it functions as an independent unit, no longer needing your support. Ironical!
The task of non identification with your mind is an almost impossible one. Possible but quite a mammoth one. Personally the one or two times that I have been able to do it, the experience has been tranquilizing, to say the least. The destination is a long distance away but it holds the promise of being an enriching one.

Behavior Decoding-Do not try..

Certain things in life despite being frustrating are very much amusing. And it registered more so deeply after a night out with friends which included piss drunk guys. Now I have always had difficulty in understanding the weird ways of the opposite sex. I’m sure all the boys who read dis wud say vice versa. And I totally agree with dat. But with guys I think certain things are universal. No matter how different a guy is, he is bound to have certain universal characteristics which put him bak to being no different. At times I feel its just the physical attributes dat are different, behavioral patterns are very much alike. Here goes my personally experienced universal list, clichés can be very much a part of it.

1) They think they are always right. You tell them your point of view or disagree, wat follows is strictly avoidable.
2) They are never ever over drunk.
3) They always have everything under control.
4) They always know the directions. Its in their blood. Its a diff point altogether as to how much u want to take out dat blood when you know dat you are lost but have to keep quiet to save all the bloodshed.
5) They can’t keep their mouth shut when a woman is driving. They have abundant suggestions to give and practically all the guys present in the car wud do dat,not just one. Now all the sadists out their can go, ”oh, but v need to, women drivers need guidelines “
6) They have never ending reserves of gyaan on practically every topic known or even unknown to mankind.
7) They all have a glad eye. They can spot nethng even remotely resembling a girl miles away and prove the credibility of their eyes by checking them out totally, all the while pretending that they are not luking.
8) They do not, mind you, they do not listen. They are good at bragging about themselves, but woman, wen you gotta do the talking, he aint listening.
9) They are painfully lazy. Period.
10) They can watch nethng & everything on TV. The highest non sense gets a huge TRP thanks to them.
11) They think they are God. Putting it litely “A woman divorced her husband, wen asked why, she replied ’we had differences over religious issues, he thought he was God and I didn’t’”

Phew!!! I can so go on nd on. But I must have already got all the men reading dis , in an arguing nd defending mode.By the way as they say exceptions are always dere………………