The negative week gone by:
1) Final realization of suffocation at work. It was depressing and quite choking.
2) With dead ends at work, the next day I thought of giving myself a refreshing break by meeting a friend. Well as I tried to settle down on a friend, my brain pressing hard to come up vth a name,realized that I don’t have any friend in Delhi. Not even a single one. No barista friend, no anytime available friend, not even a time pass friend. That’s when I hit rock ground of feeling lonely. Terribly lonely!
3) So armored with professional and personal dead ends I faced the third day, only to be hit hard with severe asthma troubles. This heady cocktail is something. In your optimistic frame you think that this cant get worse, but as all of us can vouch for it, it actually does.
4) Asthma adventures continue with loneliness thrown in. With each intake of inhaler I just pray for the day to end.
5) The day starts with a terrible mood and ends pretty much the same.
6) As if to test my bravery, backache came as a freebie. Since this too was a working day, and out of all the people at the workplace, its only me who cant get a holiday come wat may, there I was sitting like a zombie. It wasn’t that bad, since the entire week had already made me numb beyond belief.
7) Again a working day. After showing my face for a while at work, and with no more courage to face my sickness and loneliness I called it a day at 7:30 p.m. Too sick to cough nelonger , too pained to even self medicate, sleep presented itself as the best way out. And so I took comfort in its lap and allowed it to put me out of my misery. Only with a single thought in my head-No more of such weeks for a long time. I’m done being hit from all the ends.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Sick Leave-Gimme More
A long deserved sick leave awaited me. And so I surrendered to it without any resistance. It was getting tiring both physically & mentally. When you have battled with a disease all your childhood & gone through the immense suffering it brought, but eventually kissed it goodbye ,to have it return & trouble you again, you actually go numb. And so have I believe.
That dreaded disease in my case is Asthma. In childhood it was not me who was more scared bcos of it, it was my parents. To them every attack would bring with it a vicious scene of seeing me gasp for breath ,frantically taking me to a doc even post midnite most of the times. For me from whatever lil I understud dat time,I just wanted this nitemare to be over.It left me drained every time.
It leaves me drained even now, but more so mentally. My mom and dad used to go thru more pain than me. But never once they got tired of it and askd me to just deal vth it.The comfort that they gave me helped me sail thru.I guess one of the flip sides of living alone is dealing vth it all by urself.But its ok,that’s the way it works.
So on this sick leave of mine, I tried to make the most of the day. For starters I watched 3 movies, not exactly d ones I wud have seen otherwise. But wat d heck,it was gud fun. I sat by the balcony & flipped thru a magazine while having my fav chai. Got cheered up by friends. Caught on with the happenings in my auntys life. Suppressed the urge to call mom and howl every time I cudnt breath. But my brother more than made up for it by calling me every now & then, and makin me laugh at his idiotic gibberish. And before I knew the day was over. A well spent sick leave. Can’t wait for the next one-except of course the being sick part.
That dreaded disease in my case is Asthma. In childhood it was not me who was more scared bcos of it, it was my parents. To them every attack would bring with it a vicious scene of seeing me gasp for breath ,frantically taking me to a doc even post midnite most of the times. For me from whatever lil I understud dat time,I just wanted this nitemare to be over.It left me drained every time.
It leaves me drained even now, but more so mentally. My mom and dad used to go thru more pain than me. But never once they got tired of it and askd me to just deal vth it.The comfort that they gave me helped me sail thru.I guess one of the flip sides of living alone is dealing vth it all by urself.But its ok,that’s the way it works.
So on this sick leave of mine, I tried to make the most of the day. For starters I watched 3 movies, not exactly d ones I wud have seen otherwise. But wat d heck,it was gud fun. I sat by the balcony & flipped thru a magazine while having my fav chai. Got cheered up by friends. Caught on with the happenings in my auntys life. Suppressed the urge to call mom and howl every time I cudnt breath. But my brother more than made up for it by calling me every now & then, and makin me laugh at his idiotic gibberish. And before I knew the day was over. A well spent sick leave. Can’t wait for the next one-except of course the being sick part.
Monday, October 20, 2008
My Guardian Angel....
This one goes out to my beloved Aunty-Rajeshwari. I have always believed in the theory of guardian angels.Whether I believe in it bcos it almost always comes true in my case or I believe in it newichways is something that I have never pondered over. Nevertheless she has proved the existence of this theory in my life one again by her presence.
Rajeshwari aunty is my maid. Although I hate giving her this introduction, I have never considered her one.
The onus that she has taken on herself for my well being is humbling to say the least. And for reference all she gets for doing the most extraordinary things for me is just Rs.800 per month.
Despite being sick at times she almost always shows up so that I wont go to office hungry. Reason being her conscience doesn’t allow her to send me off without being fed. She does more than what her job profile says & expects nothing in return. Be it doing everything so that I wont have to lift my finger, to taking care of me without being asked. Getting me hooked on to my morning cuppa, helping me decorate my sweet lil room and falling down in the process and suffering injuries, oiling my hair, massaging my ailing back for weeks, she has done it all. The beauty of it, shes never made me feel that shes obliging me. On the contrary she has made me feel like her own kid, whom shes looking after.
No amount of gratitude is enough to express how much this selflessness of her means to me. In this mad convenience savvy world, people like her make me feel that ‘all is not lost yet’. Not yet!
Rajeshwari aunty is my maid. Although I hate giving her this introduction, I have never considered her one.
The onus that she has taken on herself for my well being is humbling to say the least. And for reference all she gets for doing the most extraordinary things for me is just Rs.800 per month.
Despite being sick at times she almost always shows up so that I wont go to office hungry. Reason being her conscience doesn’t allow her to send me off without being fed. She does more than what her job profile says & expects nothing in return. Be it doing everything so that I wont have to lift my finger, to taking care of me without being asked. Getting me hooked on to my morning cuppa, helping me decorate my sweet lil room and falling down in the process and suffering injuries, oiling my hair, massaging my ailing back for weeks, she has done it all. The beauty of it, shes never made me feel that shes obliging me. On the contrary she has made me feel like her own kid, whom shes looking after.
No amount of gratitude is enough to express how much this selflessness of her means to me. In this mad convenience savvy world, people like her make me feel that ‘all is not lost yet’. Not yet!
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
From the occasional blogger
Writing after gaps is something that I can’t avoid. Given my job profile, sitting in office is a crime. And even when I have the luxury of being in the office, getting caught while writing would be a crime worth publishing in my own newspaper.
So here, I find myself thinking as to which stale weekend story or for that matter weekday story to scribble about.
Well, the traveler in me is definitely at peace after a great holiday in Mcleodgunj.It was the perfect holiday I cud have asked for. Great co., awesome place, mouth watering food, spectacular beauty of the place, dashed with adventurous activities made a heady cocktail.
I still go back to the memories and smile with all my heart.
To top it up next weekend was spent with family. It felt like a celebration getting back home. The usual fights and great bonding with brothers and the silly stuff we indulge in is something that I hold very close to my heart. And when at night instead of sleeping all alone in an empty place, you get to sleep with your niece with her cute lil arms wrapped around you; everything in this world feels alrite.
And on a parting note, writing while eating hazel nut chocolate is an alternative career option every budding writer trapped inside a corporate exterior should think of..
So here, I find myself thinking as to which stale weekend story or for that matter weekday story to scribble about.
Well, the traveler in me is definitely at peace after a great holiday in Mcleodgunj.It was the perfect holiday I cud have asked for. Great co., awesome place, mouth watering food, spectacular beauty of the place, dashed with adventurous activities made a heady cocktail.
I still go back to the memories and smile with all my heart.
To top it up next weekend was spent with family. It felt like a celebration getting back home. The usual fights and great bonding with brothers and the silly stuff we indulge in is something that I hold very close to my heart. And when at night instead of sleeping all alone in an empty place, you get to sleep with your niece with her cute lil arms wrapped around you; everything in this world feels alrite.
And on a parting note, writing while eating hazel nut chocolate is an alternative career option every budding writer trapped inside a corporate exterior should think of..
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Memoirs
28th Sept’07,a date which is of primary significance in my life. I landed in Delhi on this very same day after 24 yrs of sheltered existence. Just 4 more days and I will complete a yr which marked a lot of milestones in my life and changed me in ways that I wouldn’t have dreamt of. I look back at them-some make me smile, others make me shudder.
Snapshots:
28th Sept’07: A girl gets out from a bus, luks around and tries to resolve in her heart dat she wud not cave in,cum wat may. She gets to spend dat nite in a room shared vth 4 other girls nd gets to spend d nite on d floor, constantly luking out for dat one rat wich was merrily measuring the length nd breadth of the room.
29th Sept’07: Out on the street, mind made up to shift newhere, nehow that day itself.
Oct’07: Getting accustomed to the new office, new people, new found solitary confinement. But a lease of life never leaves her. Helps her sail through.
Nov’07: Tasting office politics, trying not to grit her teeth at a tyrant’s whims and fancies. The lease of life still dere strongly by her side. As if its his mission in life.
Dec’07: Cumplts two successive yrs of crying on her B’day. Finally shifts to a place which she can call her own.
Jan’08: Extends her hand to start a new journey. Bliss follows.
19th Feb’08: First hand experience of being stranded on the street,vth no money and no house keys at 4 in the morning. Stands outside her landlords house vth darkness to accompany her and weird people passing her by, waiting for dawn so dat they wud let her in. All this vth a line playing in her head “U are not worth it”. Still plays sometimes.
15th March’08: Dis day changed her world and how. It led to a series of horrifying experiences-wish she cud erase them, wish they never happened. For the first time she was back stabbed nd dat too in fashion. A new world opened up and sucked her in-She’s still trying to get out of it.
April-May’08: Constant hell. Her life became a series of lies ,deceit, back stabbing .Witnessed and heard stuff wich scarred her forever. Discovered such hideous things that today her mind is a battlefield with all these discoveries at constant war vth herself.
5th June’08: Final Straw is pulled. A dignity wich she was so possessive of, was snatched away. How nd why her life became so miserable, seems like a child’s play on luking bak. It was indeed a child’s play. Outcome-A changed her who has such mental battles goin on even in sleep dat they cnt be passed off as being momentary ne longer. These events take turn in playing vth her,rather they fite vth each othr to declare a winner. At least they have fun at her expense.
July’08: Picking up and trying to put together the pieces after the devastation. Pieces fall in place, but they cum wrapped vth a bandage and each bandage has a story to tell. They do tell the story, but only in her head. She wishes they became lighter after narrating the story, but they keep on repeating it. Turns out, bandages are still deep in water. No matter how much you try to soak them, they just dnt dry. Seems like her perfect Fairytale wud always live vth a scar. She almost had a scar free one. Well Almost!
Aug’08: Suppression of thoughts art applied. Outcome- Works only for a while. But she’s trying. Materialistically she becomes a proud owner of her first car. Things start luking up. They become too gud to be true at times. But alas, they too cnt escape the tapping of old ghosts.
Sept’08: A yr stares bak vth the hope of getting a gud or a bad certificate.Well she will honour dis yr vth more dan a gud or a bad comment She wud declare it as a yr wich changed her life, her way of being, her personality forever. It etched things in stone, where sand wud have been preferred. And she will live to bear its repercussions!
Snapshots:
28th Sept’07: A girl gets out from a bus, luks around and tries to resolve in her heart dat she wud not cave in,cum wat may. She gets to spend dat nite in a room shared vth 4 other girls nd gets to spend d nite on d floor, constantly luking out for dat one rat wich was merrily measuring the length nd breadth of the room.
29th Sept’07: Out on the street, mind made up to shift newhere, nehow that day itself.
Oct’07: Getting accustomed to the new office, new people, new found solitary confinement. But a lease of life never leaves her. Helps her sail through.
Nov’07: Tasting office politics, trying not to grit her teeth at a tyrant’s whims and fancies. The lease of life still dere strongly by her side. As if its his mission in life.
Dec’07: Cumplts two successive yrs of crying on her B’day. Finally shifts to a place which she can call her own.
Jan’08: Extends her hand to start a new journey. Bliss follows.
19th Feb’08: First hand experience of being stranded on the street,vth no money and no house keys at 4 in the morning. Stands outside her landlords house vth darkness to accompany her and weird people passing her by, waiting for dawn so dat they wud let her in. All this vth a line playing in her head “U are not worth it”. Still plays sometimes.
15th March’08: Dis day changed her world and how. It led to a series of horrifying experiences-wish she cud erase them, wish they never happened. For the first time she was back stabbed nd dat too in fashion. A new world opened up and sucked her in-She’s still trying to get out of it.
April-May’08: Constant hell. Her life became a series of lies ,deceit, back stabbing .Witnessed and heard stuff wich scarred her forever. Discovered such hideous things that today her mind is a battlefield with all these discoveries at constant war vth herself.
5th June’08: Final Straw is pulled. A dignity wich she was so possessive of, was snatched away. How nd why her life became so miserable, seems like a child’s play on luking bak. It was indeed a child’s play. Outcome-A changed her who has such mental battles goin on even in sleep dat they cnt be passed off as being momentary ne longer. These events take turn in playing vth her,rather they fite vth each othr to declare a winner. At least they have fun at her expense.
July’08: Picking up and trying to put together the pieces after the devastation. Pieces fall in place, but they cum wrapped vth a bandage and each bandage has a story to tell. They do tell the story, but only in her head. She wishes they became lighter after narrating the story, but they keep on repeating it. Turns out, bandages are still deep in water. No matter how much you try to soak them, they just dnt dry. Seems like her perfect Fairytale wud always live vth a scar. She almost had a scar free one. Well Almost!
Aug’08: Suppression of thoughts art applied. Outcome- Works only for a while. But she’s trying. Materialistically she becomes a proud owner of her first car. Things start luking up. They become too gud to be true at times. But alas, they too cnt escape the tapping of old ghosts.
Sept’08: A yr stares bak vth the hope of getting a gud or a bad certificate.Well she will honour dis yr vth more dan a gud or a bad comment She wud declare it as a yr wich changed her life, her way of being, her personality forever. It etched things in stone, where sand wud have been preferred. And she will live to bear its repercussions!
Friday, September 19, 2008
Lingering after effects
Well it had been a while since I felt exceptionally insignificant in the bigger scheme of life .Of course I had my usual Sagittarius introspective restless pangs.
But the acuteness hit home only when I landed in Chail, Himachal Pradesh. What do I say when I luk around and realize the trivialness of my life. I always feel this way when I’m this close to nature.
Chail was everything that my soul could have wanted at this particular point. I wanted to get away, get away from myself for that matter. Silencing my constant thoughts was a task I had given up on.
But I believe this trip to some extent came to my rescue. It made me calmer, made me feel at peace, made me laugh so hard at times or rather a lot of times which I had almost forgotten,and above all it silenced my mind to a great deal.
So there I was trekking merrily, admiring the smallest of the things, finding pleasure in even discovering an artistic cobweb, rappling away to glory despite gulping down hard in the beginning.
Getting up in the morning and just being engulfed in the sheer beauty around me,clear blue sky, lush greenery, comfortable silence all around, crisp air, no civilization around-I just soaked it all in.
And here I’m. A rejuvenated me. Cudnt have asked for nethng more at this time. To a large extent at peace vth myself and my mind. Totally worth it!
But the acuteness hit home only when I landed in Chail, Himachal Pradesh. What do I say when I luk around and realize the trivialness of my life. I always feel this way when I’m this close to nature.
Chail was everything that my soul could have wanted at this particular point. I wanted to get away, get away from myself for that matter. Silencing my constant thoughts was a task I had given up on.
But I believe this trip to some extent came to my rescue. It made me calmer, made me feel at peace, made me laugh so hard at times or rather a lot of times which I had almost forgotten,and above all it silenced my mind to a great deal.
So there I was trekking merrily, admiring the smallest of the things, finding pleasure in even discovering an artistic cobweb, rappling away to glory despite gulping down hard in the beginning.
Getting up in the morning and just being engulfed in the sheer beauty around me,clear blue sky, lush greenery, comfortable silence all around, crisp air, no civilization around-I just soaked it all in.
And here I’m. A rejuvenated me. Cudnt have asked for nethng more at this time. To a large extent at peace vth myself and my mind. Totally worth it!
Friday, August 22, 2008
Weekend Blues!!
Its funny how things change owing to circumstances. A dreaded weekend knocks at my door again. And no matter how much I dread it, I gotta live thru it.
I know by now you must be thinking that what’s wrong with me. Dreading a weekend!!!
Well yes a person who used to look forward to weekends & crave for a holiday on a Saturday has been replaced by this person who’s weekend phobic now.
Don’t misconstrue this for having lost the spark in life. Its just that when an empty room devoid of family and friends stares back at you for 2 consecutive days, it gets a little too much.
These are not some lame self pitying emotions. But some facts which very few people who stay away from their hometown would care to admit.
Agreed with all the gyaan, which is avlbl in abundance, that go out, make new friends, and blah blah blah blah.
But somewhere deep down only I know and can really feel what I go thru on a weekend .I miss the luxury of waking up late in my room, miss the late breakfast that only my mom can make the way she makes it, strolling around my house, playing with my niece, marveling at her antics, being bullied by my elder brother, and me in turn taking undue advantage of my second elder brother ,having serious discussions with my dad, and catching up nineteen to dozen with my mom.
Just a small drive around my town makes me feel so connected with it. Every street reminds me of hundreds of things attached to it. I can literally stand on the road and just soak myself in the warmth all around me.
The contentness, the warmth, the peacefulness that I feel there is something, that’s mesmerizing.
Wish that every weekend when I open my eyes I find myself in this world. Only and only if all wishes could come true.
I know by now you must be thinking that what’s wrong with me. Dreading a weekend!!!
Well yes a person who used to look forward to weekends & crave for a holiday on a Saturday has been replaced by this person who’s weekend phobic now.
Don’t misconstrue this for having lost the spark in life. Its just that when an empty room devoid of family and friends stares back at you for 2 consecutive days, it gets a little too much.
These are not some lame self pitying emotions. But some facts which very few people who stay away from their hometown would care to admit.
Agreed with all the gyaan, which is avlbl in abundance, that go out, make new friends, and blah blah blah blah.
But somewhere deep down only I know and can really feel what I go thru on a weekend .I miss the luxury of waking up late in my room, miss the late breakfast that only my mom can make the way she makes it, strolling around my house, playing with my niece, marveling at her antics, being bullied by my elder brother, and me in turn taking undue advantage of my second elder brother ,having serious discussions with my dad, and catching up nineteen to dozen with my mom.
Just a small drive around my town makes me feel so connected with it. Every street reminds me of hundreds of things attached to it. I can literally stand on the road and just soak myself in the warmth all around me.
The contentness, the warmth, the peacefulness that I feel there is something, that’s mesmerizing.
Wish that every weekend when I open my eyes I find myself in this world. Only and only if all wishes could come true.
Monday, August 4, 2008
Lets sing the song,we all forgot!!
On with the dance!
Let joy be unconfined;No sleep till morn, when Youth and Pleasure meet
To chase the glowing hours with flying feet.
And that’s exactly what happened this Saturday. A group of friends, lots of food, good ambience & above all a lot of booze. And as is always the case I was a new entrant in this group as well. But the observer in me struck gold this time. I expected a bunch of artificial individuals, on the contrary found what follows underneath.
It’s the gang of friends who know each other since college. They have been there, done that & may be more than that. Practically spent every day of a year together. And now today they stand in front of each other with a gap of years spent in different directions. But is there really a gap!!
Simrat (the hostess):Tomboy turned hottie. Just broke up after 7 years of being in a relationship. As expected shattered beyond words. But putting on a brave front. Tries to pull a combination of being the gud hostess, enjoying herself, dancing away merrily, bit of flirting around. But just when she thinks no1’s luking takes a deep breath & carries on.
Simrat 7 years is a long time. Suppressing it wont help, boozing will help you temporarily.But people like you who have nerves of steel find their way out.So will you.
Subbu: The girl who just got married. Now people if you really want to be inspired,heres her story. She liked some1 from dis gang itself in college days.But the guy did not reciprocate. As fate wud have it, the guy proposed to her this year and today they are happily married.She has got everything today that she always dreamt of.The guy she luvd,a settled life.But she has lost herself in the process.She craves to break free,prove herself,claim a separate identity for herself. The guy loves her,no denying that.But when love from one side weighs much more than the other, the other person starts controlling your emotions without you even realizing it.
Subbu,you will go places. Just don’t let your spirit die cos of unreturned emotions. He really does luv you.
Raje: The face says it all. A guy who means no harm, has done no harm. The quintessentially nice guy. Gets married. The inner turmoil takes over.
Raje the inner turmoil will destroy you. Get it out of your system. Deal with it. Only you will ever understand your helplessness. We do, & we wud do nethng to get you out of it, but in the end you know its your inner battle.
Addu: Simple life or is it!The no hang ups guy. Happily married, well settled guy. Luvs his wife, likes his job, does the routine going out stuff. And life has been ‘so far so gud’.
Only if mother & daughter in law cud deal vth their stuff on their own.
Jerry: Self proclaimed ladies man!Lifes one big party,& everyone,just bout everyones invited.Theres a hole in his sole, but you aren’t supposed to see it.One incident after the other,and wat you have today is the aftermath.A jerry,who can be as artificial as you want him to be,as rude and hurting as you wud want in a nitemare.Hurts the close ones & makes outsiders happy.Irony,haven’t seen a better guy than him.How?He will just travel to your hometown,to make you see a place,wich you are longing to see.Y?Cos deres no1 in your hometown who wud take you dere.Just one small eg.
Hides his real self behind such layers that it becums difficult to find out the real one.Alcohol entered his life wen he needed someone the most. And the romance hasn’t stopped since then.
And now when someones knocking at his door, requesting to replace the alcohol, begging him to take her in,he stands dere facing the biggest decision of his life.
Me: The perennial outsider. Strangely feeling at home.Looking at all of dem vth sober eyes and mind. Happy in deir happiness. If only for the nite,nd if only after so much alcohol in their systems,they can sing the song they had forgotten & dance the nite away,den God bless them vth more such nites.Nothing,absolutely nothing compares vth the feeling of seeing that twinkle alive in your loved one’s eyes.
Amen to the thought & more such nights!!
Let joy be unconfined;No sleep till morn, when Youth and Pleasure meet
To chase the glowing hours with flying feet.
And that’s exactly what happened this Saturday. A group of friends, lots of food, good ambience & above all a lot of booze. And as is always the case I was a new entrant in this group as well. But the observer in me struck gold this time. I expected a bunch of artificial individuals, on the contrary found what follows underneath.
It’s the gang of friends who know each other since college. They have been there, done that & may be more than that. Practically spent every day of a year together. And now today they stand in front of each other with a gap of years spent in different directions. But is there really a gap!!
Simrat (the hostess):Tomboy turned hottie. Just broke up after 7 years of being in a relationship. As expected shattered beyond words. But putting on a brave front. Tries to pull a combination of being the gud hostess, enjoying herself, dancing away merrily, bit of flirting around. But just when she thinks no1’s luking takes a deep breath & carries on.
Simrat 7 years is a long time. Suppressing it wont help, boozing will help you temporarily.But people like you who have nerves of steel find their way out.So will you.
Subbu: The girl who just got married. Now people if you really want to be inspired,heres her story. She liked some1 from dis gang itself in college days.But the guy did not reciprocate. As fate wud have it, the guy proposed to her this year and today they are happily married.She has got everything today that she always dreamt of.The guy she luvd,a settled life.But she has lost herself in the process.She craves to break free,prove herself,claim a separate identity for herself. The guy loves her,no denying that.But when love from one side weighs much more than the other, the other person starts controlling your emotions without you even realizing it.
Subbu,you will go places. Just don’t let your spirit die cos of unreturned emotions. He really does luv you.
Raje: The face says it all. A guy who means no harm, has done no harm. The quintessentially nice guy. Gets married. The inner turmoil takes over.
Raje the inner turmoil will destroy you. Get it out of your system. Deal with it. Only you will ever understand your helplessness. We do, & we wud do nethng to get you out of it, but in the end you know its your inner battle.
Addu: Simple life or is it!The no hang ups guy. Happily married, well settled guy. Luvs his wife, likes his job, does the routine going out stuff. And life has been ‘so far so gud’.
Only if mother & daughter in law cud deal vth their stuff on their own.
Jerry: Self proclaimed ladies man!Lifes one big party,& everyone,just bout everyones invited.Theres a hole in his sole, but you aren’t supposed to see it.One incident after the other,and wat you have today is the aftermath.A jerry,who can be as artificial as you want him to be,as rude and hurting as you wud want in a nitemare.Hurts the close ones & makes outsiders happy.Irony,haven’t seen a better guy than him.How?He will just travel to your hometown,to make you see a place,wich you are longing to see.Y?Cos deres no1 in your hometown who wud take you dere.Just one small eg.
Hides his real self behind such layers that it becums difficult to find out the real one.Alcohol entered his life wen he needed someone the most. And the romance hasn’t stopped since then.
And now when someones knocking at his door, requesting to replace the alcohol, begging him to take her in,he stands dere facing the biggest decision of his life.
Me: The perennial outsider. Strangely feeling at home.Looking at all of dem vth sober eyes and mind. Happy in deir happiness. If only for the nite,nd if only after so much alcohol in their systems,they can sing the song they had forgotten & dance the nite away,den God bless them vth more such nites.Nothing,absolutely nothing compares vth the feeling of seeing that twinkle alive in your loved one’s eyes.
Amen to the thought & more such nights!!
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Quintessentially Delhi
How do you define being happy in life? Different people, different opinions. Different cities, different ways.
With the culture of the city parameters of happiness change. But what’s striking about Delhi is that the people here are not originally delhiites. So how come all of them give Delhi a structured behavior, a structured culture. There are certain things which are typical to Delhi, and these very things drive me up the wall.Be it office,or a social gathering or even for that matter normal conversations, the attitude exhibited is quite a learning experience. And god forbid if u don’t comply to their way, somethings seriously wrong with you.You are this unhappy nd miserable person in life. Why nd How?? Read on!
Scenario1: Office setting
Boss:Hey,u luking gud 2day
Me:Thnks.(nd carry on vth my work)
Boss:some arbid non sense conversation
Me:Nodding,few inputs nd bak to doin whatever I was doing
Final Verdict: Shes quite a recluse,nt dat outgoing
My Verdict: People like to be licked. nd I like to kick such people. So dere!!
Scenario 2: Courtesy meeting with a person whom I have met twice in life
A:so hw r u doin?
Me:Gud
A:makes general enquiries
Me:General answers
Final Verdict:why is she so sad always??
My Verdict:Hello!!!!!u just met me twice.u hardly interacted vth me.u dnt even knw me.wat m I supposd 2 do in 2 meetings.jump arnd,grin endlessly,have a smiley glued 2 my face.Ohhhhhh!i get it,I dnt smoke, the only bonding point you have.System Error!!I lose again.
Scenario 3:Social Gathering
(A group of friends where I’m quite a new entrant)
A: randomly talking bout old times(as in their old times)
B: reminding even more old time incidents
C: basically nagging her husband
D engrossed in drinking
E: making her presence felt by arbid one liners
F: the name dropper
G: co incidentally,a gyani.gyan on nethng nd everything
H: Mr..I’m too good for my shoes
Me: nodding,listening attentively to all the stories,trying real hard to be tolerant of quite a few,trying to make the best of the evening
Final personality verdict: Very quiet girl,wats bothering her in life??
My Verdict:Now I cnt chip in my stories as theres no common ground whatsoever,anthr icing on the cake-I dnt drink or smoke(instant bonding tools),dnt knw much bout your city,I generally prefer giving gyan to people wen they r in deir senses,dnt like putting my point across people who are blissfully drunk,its truly a wastage of my energy,name dropping-I’ll let dat pass,nd vth dat oops I lose my bonding grounds.I become an outcast.
Scenario 4: Acquaintance making a dig (my personal fav)
Colleague narrating an incident vth reference to me
C:Hey do u knw x
Me:Ya
C:She was asking bout u
Me:Wat was she askng
C:she was askng”does y (y,being me) wrk dere?the same ‘y' who hardly ever laughs
Me:Oh Ok
C:Den she went on to say “I was contemplating sharing my flat vth her,but u knw I’m very talkative nd fun luvng in life.so it didn’t wrk out”
Me:oh gud for her
Final Verdict: She hardly laughs
My Verdict:Dear Ms.Fun luvng,I dnt comply to your standards of having fun.Sadly I dnt enjoy bitching or for dat matter being a bitch,riding piggy bak on colleagues or sitting on deir laps,boozing every fri,sat & neither can I b a part of ur equally bitchy girl gang.And as far as me hardly ever laughing goes,well my sense of humor is unfortunately not that low in life.And guess wat,nt staying vth u is one of the wisest decisions i ever made in life.
Pheww!!! These were just a few incidents of my personality assassination. And trust me there are even more bizarre ones.
Just cos I’m nt built the Delhi way,I have heard enuf.I wont say it doesn’t affect me.In some cases it doesn’t.But at other times I lose it.
Dear Delhiites, this is to let u know dat I’m doing fine,the way I’m. Yes I dnt drink or smoke or gossip or flirt or talk non sense or indulge in irresponsible acts.Neither will I get a smiley glued to my face.I’m nt tryng to sound holier dan thou,its just the way I’m.And trust me I’m very comfortable in my skin.It is people like you who cant come to terms vth ur inner selves,who cnt function vtht crutches in life.And dats the reason sum1s self content ness disturbs you.
That inner void inside disturbs you.
High time! Drop the pretence! nd deal vth it!
With the culture of the city parameters of happiness change. But what’s striking about Delhi is that the people here are not originally delhiites. So how come all of them give Delhi a structured behavior, a structured culture. There are certain things which are typical to Delhi, and these very things drive me up the wall.Be it office,or a social gathering or even for that matter normal conversations, the attitude exhibited is quite a learning experience. And god forbid if u don’t comply to their way, somethings seriously wrong with you.You are this unhappy nd miserable person in life. Why nd How?? Read on!
Scenario1: Office setting
Boss:Hey,u luking gud 2day
Me:Thnks.(nd carry on vth my work)
Boss:some arbid non sense conversation
Me:Nodding,few inputs nd bak to doin whatever I was doing
Final Verdict: Shes quite a recluse,nt dat outgoing
My Verdict: People like to be licked. nd I like to kick such people. So dere!!
Scenario 2: Courtesy meeting with a person whom I have met twice in life
A:so hw r u doin?
Me:Gud
A:makes general enquiries
Me:General answers
Final Verdict:why is she so sad always??
My Verdict:Hello!!!!!u just met me twice.u hardly interacted vth me.u dnt even knw me.wat m I supposd 2 do in 2 meetings.jump arnd,grin endlessly,have a smiley glued 2 my face.Ohhhhhh!i get it,I dnt smoke, the only bonding point you have.System Error!!I lose again.
Scenario 3:Social Gathering
(A group of friends where I’m quite a new entrant)
A: randomly talking bout old times(as in their old times)
B: reminding even more old time incidents
C: basically nagging her husband
D engrossed in drinking
E: making her presence felt by arbid one liners
F: the name dropper
G: co incidentally,a gyani.gyan on nethng nd everything
H: Mr..I’m too good for my shoes
Me: nodding,listening attentively to all the stories,trying real hard to be tolerant of quite a few,trying to make the best of the evening
Final personality verdict: Very quiet girl,wats bothering her in life??
My Verdict:Now I cnt chip in my stories as theres no common ground whatsoever,anthr icing on the cake-I dnt drink or smoke(instant bonding tools),dnt knw much bout your city,I generally prefer giving gyan to people wen they r in deir senses,dnt like putting my point across people who are blissfully drunk,its truly a wastage of my energy,name dropping-I’ll let dat pass,nd vth dat oops I lose my bonding grounds.I become an outcast.
Scenario 4: Acquaintance making a dig (my personal fav)
Colleague narrating an incident vth reference to me
C:Hey do u knw x
Me:Ya
C:She was asking bout u
Me:Wat was she askng
C:she was askng”does y (y,being me) wrk dere?the same ‘y' who hardly ever laughs
Me:Oh Ok
C:Den she went on to say “I was contemplating sharing my flat vth her,but u knw I’m very talkative nd fun luvng in life.so it didn’t wrk out”
Me:oh gud for her
Final Verdict: She hardly laughs
My Verdict:Dear Ms.Fun luvng,I dnt comply to your standards of having fun.Sadly I dnt enjoy bitching or for dat matter being a bitch,riding piggy bak on colleagues or sitting on deir laps,boozing every fri,sat & neither can I b a part of ur equally bitchy girl gang.And as far as me hardly ever laughing goes,well my sense of humor is unfortunately not that low in life.And guess wat,nt staying vth u is one of the wisest decisions i ever made in life.
Pheww!!! These were just a few incidents of my personality assassination. And trust me there are even more bizarre ones.
Just cos I’m nt built the Delhi way,I have heard enuf.I wont say it doesn’t affect me.In some cases it doesn’t.But at other times I lose it.
Dear Delhiites, this is to let u know dat I’m doing fine,the way I’m. Yes I dnt drink or smoke or gossip or flirt or talk non sense or indulge in irresponsible acts.Neither will I get a smiley glued to my face.I’m nt tryng to sound holier dan thou,its just the way I’m.And trust me I’m very comfortable in my skin.It is people like you who cant come to terms vth ur inner selves,who cnt function vtht crutches in life.And dats the reason sum1s self content ness disturbs you.
That inner void inside disturbs you.
High time! Drop the pretence! nd deal vth it!
Friday, June 20, 2008
Emotional Saga.........
Shifting base for a person who’s been pampered and looked after all her life was not dat easy. But den nobody promised me dat Life was going to be easy.
So off I came to Delhi without worrying about surviving all alone. My mom put a brave front only bcos she never wanted me to feel dat due to her I cud not do what I wanted in Life.
Its been 8 months now dat I’m in dis city. But the plethora of emotions nd experiences I have gone thru have been phenomenal. Rite from searching a place for myself, to finally finding one, not forgetting the in between stop overs, especially a month spent in a small hell hole. Trust me, it was one of the most creepiest experiences ever.
But the whole ‘finding a place’ experience was great. Dere I was on the streets all by myself , going from door 2 door, luking for a PG sign, getting excited to c 1,nd being disillusioned aftr cumng out frm dere.
Setting up my room, kitchen with all the usual nitty gritties, buying vegetables, masalas, utensils, the works was overwhelming to say the least.
From not having to lift a finger at my place, this transition was definitely something. But the thing that amazed me was that it didn’t bother me. Instead of cribbing thru it, I just silently went thru it.
Wat did bother me was the absence of my family, friends. I did not give myself the privilege to think about it. I suppressed every thought which led me to the life I had.
But I guess everyone breaks at sum point or the other. I did too.
Lying in my moms lap on her visit here made me question a lot of things, so did my niece’s crying on the ph cos she just wanted me to be dere vth her. It made me question my decision, it made me introspect my level of contentment, it made me question the quality of life dat I was leading.
Not dat I did not know, dat all dis wud happen wen I shift base to another city. But the possibility of my social life touching ground zero wasn’t dat evident.
From being surrounded by my family nd surviving the constant bullying by my brothers, to meeting up vth friends on a regular basis nd going out to wherever we wanted, it was all down to the silence provided by my room.
I dreaded the “no where to go, no body to meet feeling after office”. I longed to be vth my family, meet up vth my friends, go to places where I felt at home, where I belonged.
And while I was nd still kind of am, goin thru dis, I found unconditional support.
Unwavering support by the person whos pretty much responsible for making me stick to my decision, for making me see light at the end of tunnel, for keeping me sane by constant companionship, for just being dere by my side cum wat may ,for just letting me know dat angels do exist on planet earth.
But dis support just doesn’t end at one person.I was fortunate enuf to stumble upon more. My faith dat I’ve been blessed vth gud people in life was reinstated.
This other support pulled me thru my toughest phases, tuk care of me like my family wud hav, got hurt wen I was hurt,nd never ever let me down. The selflessness dat I came across is hard to find in todays day nd age.
Last but not the least my “Roomie” .Now hes one naïve soul in the world. Far far away from typical Delhi traits (wich I loathe beyond limits).His one liners make my day nd cheer me up, no matter how low I’m. Dere are no pretence games to be played, no office politics to indulge in. And I can proudly brag dat hes partly from my state only (now u know d reason for him being so genuine in life).
Saying Thanks to you guys wud be like insulting you. Thanks is a trivial word for your respective presence in my life.
Ur footprints in my life is wat I will always treasure!!!U lift my feet up wen my own wings were having trouble remembering how to fly.
So off I came to Delhi without worrying about surviving all alone. My mom put a brave front only bcos she never wanted me to feel dat due to her I cud not do what I wanted in Life.
Its been 8 months now dat I’m in dis city. But the plethora of emotions nd experiences I have gone thru have been phenomenal. Rite from searching a place for myself, to finally finding one, not forgetting the in between stop overs, especially a month spent in a small hell hole. Trust me, it was one of the most creepiest experiences ever.
But the whole ‘finding a place’ experience was great. Dere I was on the streets all by myself , going from door 2 door, luking for a PG sign, getting excited to c 1,nd being disillusioned aftr cumng out frm dere.
Setting up my room, kitchen with all the usual nitty gritties, buying vegetables, masalas, utensils, the works was overwhelming to say the least.
From not having to lift a finger at my place, this transition was definitely something. But the thing that amazed me was that it didn’t bother me. Instead of cribbing thru it, I just silently went thru it.
Wat did bother me was the absence of my family, friends. I did not give myself the privilege to think about it. I suppressed every thought which led me to the life I had.
But I guess everyone breaks at sum point or the other. I did too.
Lying in my moms lap on her visit here made me question a lot of things, so did my niece’s crying on the ph cos she just wanted me to be dere vth her. It made me question my decision, it made me introspect my level of contentment, it made me question the quality of life dat I was leading.
Not dat I did not know, dat all dis wud happen wen I shift base to another city. But the possibility of my social life touching ground zero wasn’t dat evident.
From being surrounded by my family nd surviving the constant bullying by my brothers, to meeting up vth friends on a regular basis nd going out to wherever we wanted, it was all down to the silence provided by my room.
I dreaded the “no where to go, no body to meet feeling after office”. I longed to be vth my family, meet up vth my friends, go to places where I felt at home, where I belonged.
And while I was nd still kind of am, goin thru dis, I found unconditional support.
Unwavering support by the person whos pretty much responsible for making me stick to my decision, for making me see light at the end of tunnel, for keeping me sane by constant companionship, for just being dere by my side cum wat may ,for just letting me know dat angels do exist on planet earth.
But dis support just doesn’t end at one person.I was fortunate enuf to stumble upon more. My faith dat I’ve been blessed vth gud people in life was reinstated.
This other support pulled me thru my toughest phases, tuk care of me like my family wud hav, got hurt wen I was hurt,nd never ever let me down. The selflessness dat I came across is hard to find in todays day nd age.
Last but not the least my “Roomie” .Now hes one naïve soul in the world. Far far away from typical Delhi traits (wich I loathe beyond limits).His one liners make my day nd cheer me up, no matter how low I’m. Dere are no pretence games to be played, no office politics to indulge in. And I can proudly brag dat hes partly from my state only (now u know d reason for him being so genuine in life).
Saying Thanks to you guys wud be like insulting you. Thanks is a trivial word for your respective presence in my life.
Ur footprints in my life is wat I will always treasure!!!U lift my feet up wen my own wings were having trouble remembering how to fly.
Monday, May 26, 2008
Five Letter Monster Or Angel!
The other day, on my way to an Italian Restrau(those cheesy layers better help me put on sum weight), my best friend made me listen to a song “From The Inside” by Linkin Park.
Now many of you might not be familiar vth the song. But to me, listening to that song was like a complete stranger singing out aloud my thoughts.
The song talks about someone breaking your trust over and over again. Listening to that song made me ponder over intricacies of human emotions. Fragile, yet so powerful, Simple, yet so complicated, Invisible, yet so overpowering!
This song for once focused on an emotion that kind of binds all other emotions. How wud you feel if someone who was an extended part of you only broke your trust. Not once, but again and again and again. What all emotions will you go through! Anger, Hurt, Pain, Helplessness!!Wud you still trust that person, wud you give him/her the rein over your emotions again, wud you see your heart being squished again, wud you tolerate your trust being broken for the sake of someone almost non-existential, wud you spend nights in agony wondering where you went wrong and asking yourself why the other person put you through this.
For me, I went through all that and more. I as a person am very emotional & have only a few close friends. So for me the whole experience was heightened.
But the beauty of going through rough patches in life is that you grow as a person. Every incident teaches you something. Its up to you what you learn out of it.
I knew that the incident had no ulterior motive But it made me question a lot of things. It shook my comfort zone, it cumpltly took me out from my warm cocoon.
Nevertheless my heart told me to put my faith again It was scared to go out dere and trust again, scared to be broken again, scared to be confronted vth the same thing again.
But, Trust. it did. It is important to go thru certain incidents in life & emerge out as a wiser person .I’m still fighting my demons. They have the audacity to even venture in my dreams.
The fact is I’m gonna slay dese demons as people in my life are far more important dan incidents themselves.
Only regret,dat my cocoon was snatched away. Miss the warmth dat it gave me!!
Now many of you might not be familiar vth the song. But to me, listening to that song was like a complete stranger singing out aloud my thoughts.
The song talks about someone breaking your trust over and over again. Listening to that song made me ponder over intricacies of human emotions. Fragile, yet so powerful, Simple, yet so complicated, Invisible, yet so overpowering!
This song for once focused on an emotion that kind of binds all other emotions. How wud you feel if someone who was an extended part of you only broke your trust. Not once, but again and again and again. What all emotions will you go through! Anger, Hurt, Pain, Helplessness!!Wud you still trust that person, wud you give him/her the rein over your emotions again, wud you see your heart being squished again, wud you tolerate your trust being broken for the sake of someone almost non-existential, wud you spend nights in agony wondering where you went wrong and asking yourself why the other person put you through this.
For me, I went through all that and more. I as a person am very emotional & have only a few close friends. So for me the whole experience was heightened.
But the beauty of going through rough patches in life is that you grow as a person. Every incident teaches you something. Its up to you what you learn out of it.
I knew that the incident had no ulterior motive But it made me question a lot of things. It shook my comfort zone, it cumpltly took me out from my warm cocoon.
Nevertheless my heart told me to put my faith again It was scared to go out dere and trust again, scared to be broken again, scared to be confronted vth the same thing again.
But, Trust. it did. It is important to go thru certain incidents in life & emerge out as a wiser person .I’m still fighting my demons. They have the audacity to even venture in my dreams.
The fact is I’m gonna slay dese demons as people in my life are far more important dan incidents themselves.
Only regret,dat my cocoon was snatched away. Miss the warmth dat it gave me!!
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Judgement Day!!
Hmmmm!!!So here I'm writin my 1st blog ever.The lil voice in my head is blabberin away 2 glory.B careful while writin,it says.U will b judged,so write sumthng gud,or funny,or intrstng or watever.But God Damn It, jst dnt make a fool out of Urself!
I wonder wat is dis deal vth being Judged.Y all actions have 2 b dependent on "wat others will thnk".For sum of us it mite nt b true,but den for majority of the population,dis precisely is a deciding factor.
From hanging out vth a certain set of frnds,to the kind of clothes u chose to wear,to having an individualistic thought process,to making certain choices in life,to having a certain lifestyle, everthngs Judged!
Now I cum from a splendid city called Jaipur.Acc to people dis evil is more rampant in so called smaller cities(dis term makes me feel sick).But to my amazement dis wonderful sentiment is more prominent in a metro like Delhi.
People here will go to any extent,just 2 b socially accepted.(no offense)That kinda explains the origin of the terms "drinking socially"or "smoking socially" nd so on nd so forth.
Acc to me u either drink or u dnt or may b at times u do and those times happen only wen u so desire. But the irony is dat here other people decide whether u wil b drinkin or nt nd dat 2 hw much.And God forbid.if u say Nooo,wat will people think!!
To Each his own! I for once believe in doing things my way.Dat dsnt mean i'm a rebel.It just means dat its my life nd i get 2 live it only once.So i wud rather live it d way i want 2 rather dan stressing bout peoples opinion.They do matter.But only wen the people in question are my near ones.Society in general doesnt affect me.So heres to having opinions,individuality,or best put having a LIFE!! (And the Judgement Begins :-) )
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